My partner is (not) kinky: what to do?

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What will you do when your partner isn’t into kink? Or, the other way around, what if your partner is? I think a lot of people are familiar with a situation like this. Especially when you’ve just discovered BDSM, it can be frustrating if your partner isn’t into it. However, it can also be frustrating the other way around. Imagine what it’d be like if if your boyfriend suddenly wants you to be his 24/7 live-in Dominatrix and doesn’t shut up about it. That’s not sexy at all! In this post, I will go over different ways you to start exploring with your partner.

Respect boundaries

Let me start off with this: don’t make your partner do things they don’t want to do. This also means no nagging. Whining about “blue balls” in order to guilt your partner into doing things they don’t really want to do is a dick move. Additionally, taking every opportunity to bring up sex in a nonsexual conversation, isn’t a nice way to talk about sex.

And.. I get the kink-frenzy people get after discovering BDSM – I’ve been there! It’s easy to get all hyped up about these new things you discovered. After all, it’s exciting when something suddenly clicks. This frenzy is also why I tell people to not to push it on their partner too hard, because sometimes it needs some getting used to. If your partner can’t stop bringing up some weird fetishes you don’t get, it can get annoying really fast.

That being said, it can be a whole confusing ordeal when your partner suddenly tells you they’re into all kind of strange BDSM things, especially when you don’t really talk about sex a whole lot. Reading When Someone You Love is Kinky is something I’d recommend if you’re confused by your partners’ desires. Some people can feel threatened or insecure because their partner is into kink. To those people I’d like to say that your partners’ sexual fantasies shouldn’t make you feel bad – it’s just a fantasy! Try to see it like an adventure, instead of something bad. After all, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

Explore sexuality together

You shouldn’t treat your partner like they should fullfill every kinky desire you have – a relationship has two people. When you both want to explore, you should explore together. Talk about what you like to do during sexy times, how you want to feel and what kind of connection you crave. You don’t have to know everything yet, answering “I don’t know” is valid too.

What I’d recommend is to start talking about what your likes and dislikes are in the bedroom, first, if you’re not doing that already. Talk about the things you enjoy when you are having sex! Make sex and sexiness a nice, comfortable conversation without any expectations. Make sexy times fun for everyone involved, don’t make it about kink. Kink is only a small part of it after all, the connection between the two of you should be the priority. 😉

One way to explore all the things that are out there without having to leave the house, are kinky checklists. There are a lot of them out there, and you can rank all kinds of different activities. The kinky checklists can be very helpful if you’re new and unsure of all the things that are possible. Personally, I prefer the “Not a Checklist” Negotiation Sheet when preparing for play. I don’t need a list of everything my partner is into, because I don’t think that’s that important. I want to know more about the kind of experience and connection we both want, instead of something that reminds me of a shopping list. Even though, looking through such a list with your partner can be helpful when you’re exploring together and unsure where to start.

If filling out checklists is making you feel weird: you can also show each other your favourite porn, sexy artwork or erotica. Maybe you can watch a kinky movie, like The Secretary, together. If you’re Dutch, reading SM in het echt can be an eye-opener as well.

Other options

When your partner really doesn’t to be a part of your BDSM journey, that’s valid as well. It’s disappointing, sure, but it happens. Your partner doesn’t have to fullfill every (sexual) desire you have, and I’m sure there are more couples out there who don’t match 100% on every interest. There’s more to life than sex, and sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship.

However, the urge to explore kink doesn’t magically go away. It’s hard for me to give a standard set of options. All relationships are different and not everything works for everyone. If your kink-cravings are getting in the way of the relationship between you and your partner, I’d recommend seeing a professional. Professional Dominatrixes or submissives really know what they’re doing, and can help you explore BDSM discretely and safe. And for the worried partners reading this: sex workers are not going to steal your husband – just like day-care workers aren’t going to steal your kid.

Communication remains one of the most important things in a relationship, so definitely keep on doing that. I hope my thoughts can help you and your partner connect with each other. If you want to share thoughts, or other stories, hit me up on Twitter!

x Jane