When I first started out camming, I occassionally came across men that wanted me to dominate them. It was strange to me, because I usually embrace the submissive role in my kinky adventures. But, it turned out to be loads of fun. I even wrote a little tutorial on how to dominate men for other performers four years ago. I still do a lot more roleplay as a submissive, but being a badass Domme every once in a while during a camshow, is awesome too. If you want to explore being the one in control, this blog is for you.
I have to start with that being a Dominant performer and being Dominant with your lover at home, is very different. When you’re lovers, you can take your time to talk and think about what kinks you want to explore together. In my experience, when people enter your cam room, they don’t feel like doing a whole lot of explicit negotiation, they just want you to know. I can’t read minds, but people give a lot away when you ask the right questions. 😉 But that is a story for another time: this writing will focus on exploring Dominance with your lovers.
You’re already the perfect Domme
There, I said it. There are so many people with enormous lists and requirements of things a “real” Domme must do, but a Domme doesn’t have to do anything. She’s the one in charge – nobody needs to tell her what to do. She’s got this. But exploring a new role can come with insecurities and awkwardness. That’s normal. However, there’s no reason to strive to be the “perfect” fantasy Domme that is being described by submissive men on the Internet, though. Just be you. If someone wants to serve you, the real you, they will. Without hestitation, and without serving their own interests.
Responsibilities and expectations that come with being a Domme can be a lot sometimes. It shouldn’t be expected of you to be a Domme 24/7: nobody is dressed up in high heels and a corset all day to entertain their submissive. Focus on things that make you feel happy, sexy, and adored. Your submissive should do that as well. That doesn’t mean that they can’t have an opinion or desires, but a dynamic contains at least two people, like I mentioned in this post. Being a Domme doesn’t mean you have to entertain your submissive all day, you should get something out of it as well. A submissive isn’t just a passive, receiving part in a power dynamic – that would be boring. I think that the perfect power dynamic should bring out the best in both people, rather than be rated by the amounts of whips, bruises and kinky fuckery.
And.. Already being the perfect Mistress doesn’t mean you can learn more about BDSM. Following workshops, reading, and watching tutorials about the kinks you want to study can be a confidence booster as well. Another thing I would recommend, if you’re completely new to BDSM and want to explore safely with your partner, is to inquire for a session with a professional Dominatrix. Dominatrixes are well versed in BDSM, and can definitely give you a crash course on dominating your partner. Don’t forget to tip well 😉
The first play session
Your very first play session is planned soon. Exciting! Maybe you’re going to play around with a blindfold, or you may have gotten some nipple clamps from a local sex shop. You might have raided the house, finding some exceptional impact toys. I would recommend to keep talking and communicating with each other. If you want, you can agree on a safeword together. Checking in during a scene doesn’t have to be too complicated: “Do you like that, little one?” are words almost every submissive likes to hear. A suggestion when doing impact play, is making your submissive count lashes of the whip. This way, you stay close to each other, but it also can help you check if your sub has reached their limit. And sometimes people tend to lose count – all the more reason to start from zero again.
After the first play session, it’s time for aftercare. Not just for the submissive: it’s for you as well. Cuddling, drinking some tea, taking a bath, or crashing on the couch with snacks and Netflix.. Aftercare doesn’t have to be a standard set of actions. Talk about what you would like after a session with your partner, and what aftercare looks like for them.
At last: don’t forget to have fun! Your first session doesn’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to do everything in your fantasies right now. There’ll be more sessions in the future, right? Go with the flow, and explore the dynamic at your own pace. BDSM sessions can invoke a lot of emotions, especially if everything suddenly clicks. This is why I recommend taking it slow: take the time to explore with your lover.
I hope you enjoyed this little blog. Let me know in the comments what your first session looked like, and how your dynamic has evolved since then! I would love to know. 🙂 Take care, and have fun!